The Top 15 Surprises in the Re-Mastered "Star Wars"

• 15. New scene in which Chewbacca teaches Han Solo how to lick himself.
  
  
• 14. He might not look as fearsome as before, but that Primatene Mist of Darth Vader's seems to have helped his breathing immensely.
  
  
• 13. Added scene in which Tonya Harding whacks Princess Lea on the knee with a light saber.
  
  
• 12. Luke accused of killing ex-wife and advised by Obi Wan to "Use the Fifth, Luke."
  
  
• 11. The commercial tie-in appearance of Jabba's big brother, Pizza the Hut.
  
  
• 10. Newly-colorized Darth Vader is mauve.
  
  
• 9. C3PO has a conspicuous "Intel Inside" sticker on his shiny brass ass.
  
  
• 8. Han, Luke, Obi-Wan and C3PO now sporting bitchin' goatees.
  
  
• 7. New scene where Luke shakes JFK's hand and tells him he has to pee.
  
  
• 6. Jabba the Butt-head saying, "Hehe...hehe...she said, 'Lay ya.'"
  
  
• 5. Revealing scene in the bathroom shows how "Han Solo" got his name.
  
  
• 4. During one lonely night, Princess Lea finds R2D2's special attachment.
  
  
• 3. Anti-fur activists from planet PETA spray Chewbacca with red paint.
  
  
• 2. The X-Wing pilot who blows up the Death Star? Richard Jewell.
  
  
• 1. Dismembered victim of Obi-Wan Kenobi's light saber in bar scene none other than John Wayne Bobbitt.